Finding meaning in chaos

I haven’t been blogging for more than a month now. So many events took place within this time that brought quick joy and sorrow to our lives before we could take it all in. I came to know I was pregnant at six weeks. We went to the doctor and she detected the heart beat and asked us to come back in 2 weeks. I had so many emotions during that two week period, excited but tensed, I wasn’t sure if we both were ready to start a family as my husband was preparing for B-school and we had only one income coming in and lots of debts to pay. Mr. Scorpio was like a rock all through this time, assuring me that everything would be “ok”. We went in for the 8 week check-up and that’s when the sad news hit us, that the fetus is not growing anymore. As per the doc, this was quite normal, 70% of the people have miscarriages and sometimes they do not even know it. It was new for us, because I have not known anyone in my family that had one. We still had hopes that may be another 2 weeks into it, we might somehow miraculously find the fetus still growing but that wasn’t the case. We went to a radiologist and at the end of the check-up she gave it away saying “I hope to see you in a better situation next time”.

Devastated, that we were, by the news I had a DNC last week and I am recovering from it. Through this journey I have learnt one thing that is “How important an emergency fund is”. I ended up paying 1200 dollars for the procedure and that is only the beginning, I am not sure how many medical bills are in store for us. Only 80% is covered by my employer insurance after a 1000 dollar deductible which I haven’t met yet.

I had 1000 dollars set aside for rainy days like this but I had to take it out to help out my sister in India. Though I am grateful that I am able to help my family in need, the pressure of not having saved enough is setting a fire in me to push harder. My credit cards are in control now. I haven’t charged anything on them for the past 7 months up until last week, I paid the 1200 contribution from my side through the CC. I am all motivated to pay it off. I have been religiously making payments to my CC. My initial plan was to pay everything off by May but looks like that date will be pushed to July. As long as I can clear off all my debts by August, I am good with it because I need to tackle Mr. Scorpio’s debts next. He is looking for a job right now and also researching some B-schools, not sure which path he will take yet.

Like my Mr. Scorpio always says, I am trying to find the meaning of life amidst all this chaos and I am hopeful that this too shall pass.